Reflections of Myself and Snowflakes

On September 17th I met my 20 year-old brother, for the first time.
He is a sophomore at Clemson. The call was a pivotal moment for me, I felt such intense love for this complete stranger, a young-adult I once new and share DNA with. He was so mature, asked me thoughtful questions and seemed genuinely interested in learning about his half-sister he knows so little living on the west coast. My heart literally felt like it was going to burst, hearing this human's excited voice on the other line, asking how my business was, what I did for fun, where I lived... I had no idea he would even care, or have been interested in knowing me. Talking for almost an hour and a half, into the middle of the night for him, I felt an immense connection to this virtual stranger thousands of miles away.

The last time (before this) that I spoke to Jackson was about 8 years ago at a family reunion. He's lived in another state since the summer I turned 17. My dad and his wife decided to move to Minnesota that summer to live closer to her large, mid-western family.
She was pregnant with their third child at the time, and Jackson was five.

In high school I carried the copies of pictures of Jackson as a baby and toddler that I managed to recover from the doubles in their family photo album, sliding them into the clear sleeve of my binder. I loved that child.
I wanted nothing more than to have siblings and a lifelong, forever connection like that.
But from the moment he was born, things changed dramatically in that household.

While visiting I would try to hold him, or play with him, and moments later some excuse like 'bath time' would come up and he would be taken from my arms. I remember one time during a dinner party, he needed his diaper changed and I took it upon myself to do it. K was livid.
She didn't want me touching him. (She didn't want me around, at all.)

I'll never truly understand how a woman in her thirties can be threatened by an 11- or 12-year-old. Now that I'm in my thirties, I cannot fathom treating a child the way she treated me. I'd like to leave the memories in the past where they belong, but I know they've had a monumental part in shaping the person that I am today. This is where 'the work' comes in.  I know I've developed thick walls to protect myself from people hurting me. I know energetically this prevents me from having connections at times with people because I am guarded, which in turn can come off as uninterested or even cold.

I'm actually a swirling ball of emotions. I wear my heart on my sleeve. It's a miracle I am able to even work in sales, seeing as I am so sensitive to the actions of others. I've had to learn to not take things personally (still completely, fallibly working on that.)

Today I went to the mountain for a snowy hike with a new friend and our dogs. Over the goofy antics of the dogs frolicking and freaking out in the snow, we tromped down the path to a frozen Trillium Lake. It was a nice change in scenery for my typical Sunday.

On the way home we stopped at a Taco Shoppe in Government Camp to wait out the apres-weekend-warrior traffic shitshow. He asked me alarmingly personal and insightful questions and poked at my vulnerability. (Which made me increasingly uncomfortable.) I answered the deeper philosophical questions, positing my two-cents about what it means to be human, and squirmed when he tried to get me to put my hand on his to test the heart-communication theory. I didn't want my heart to say anything that wasn't ready to come out of my mouth.

After getting home, I was already feeling weird inside. I called me mom on the way to run a final errand and was soon crying over an hour long talk with her, explaining that I wasn't sure if I was upset because I was disappointed that I wasn't immediately in love/lust with this person, felt like my ego was being over-reflected back at me, and I didn't like what I saw, or am just disillusioned and worn out with the idea of dating and trying to find this person that's supposed to match you and bring out the best in you...
to no avail...

I am hesitant to let someone see my inner world and know how terrified I am of being hurt again in a relationship. I question whether I will even be able to love someone with the same intensity and feeling as I did M. I'm afraid I'll never even feel that way about someone ever again. He was so close to everything I wanted to find in another person. And the timing was all fucked up. And I made mistakes. And so did he. And then he moved on right away, and I... am still a work in progress.

I just finished writing my dad a letter tonight that I've been percolating on for months. It's super personal. I got tears all over it by the end and was a snotty-nosed, hot mess. Seems like I should probably now share it with my 10 readers on the internet. They've lived in South Carolina for like six years now.... I have never seen their home, boat, toys, lifestyle.
I have barely spoken to the three kids and the last time I ever saw them was that family reunion in Michigan.

Dear Dad,

At first I was pretty surprised not to hear from you after our last conversation [in June]. Then it just fortified my hurt feelings and gave me continued reason to no longer communicate with you...
I asked for the money to pay for the final leg of my flight last summer because I wanted to see you, see where you live, and have a relationship with you. I can't even fully explain in a way you'll understand how sad it makes me that we have no relationship and I'm not a part of your family. It would have been good for me to come when your wife was away because the entire situation is a lot for me to process and take in, and taking it in pieces would have also been more comfortable for me. [and the airfare to Nashville was already purchased.]
But rather than encourage whatever effort I make, you told me that you were "done coming to Portland," you had "no reason to come to Portland anymore," and asked if I "expected you to take care of me financially as an adult/in my thirties."
This is incredibly offensive to me on so many levels. I have worked very hard to support and take care of myself and I still do. It's very sad and heartbreaking that visiting your oldest daughter in and of itself isn't reason alone to ever want to come to Portland again. I feel that I've made many efforts to try and be a part of your family, but this final conversation just left me tired and disheartened. Thank you for the Christmas gesture, but I'll respectfully decline your money. Merry Christmas.  
                                                                                                                                                Holly

p.s. I cried on my birthday after getting an eCard from you. Its too painful to want to have a relationship with someone and not be allowed to. I can't help but feel that I wasn't good enough to be loved by you. I know that's the hurt child in me but when you hurt me now, as an adult, it just reinforces this deep-seeded believe I have created. All I can do is continue to work on trying to love myself, and accept myself, and try to believe that I have value and deserve to be loved. Maybe one day I will still be able to have a loving family of my own.


And so it was written. And my face is now dry, and tomorrow is a new (rainy) day and life goes on. All we have is hope for the future and lessons of the past to guide tomorrow's choices.
Wearily she smiled and closed her computer after narrating the end of today's story in the 3rd person.

Broken heart. It's time to start writing again.

This is a dream.
It's after 2am and I've woken up with nothing but these thoughts and pressing urge to put it to paper.

All I want is someone to sing this song with.

In spite of ourselves
We'll end up a'sittin' on a rainbow
Against all odds
Honey, we're the big door prize
We're gonna spite our noses
Right offa our faces
There won't be nothin' but big old hearts
Dancin' in our eyes.

I can't believe I've left this behind for 3 years. Almost to the week. I think writing is what's missing. My creative outlet. My source of comfort and conversation with the universe and a couple others that choose to tune in.

I'm surprised this has happened. I don't know if I've ever been smitten like this or heartbroken quite so quickly. And it's all about timing.

Camping in Maupin over Labor Day weekend. I was invited by a friend who I've known for over 4 years but I came to realize this weekend that I still don't even know him at all. It was a group trip where I ended up being the only girl with 4 guys, all old friends from the Navy.
I was the odd woman out... but it was easily one of the best weekends I've had, in a long time.

This person... we can call him Tony. We used to play softball together, and had been camping before, same area, Summer four years ago. He had already well-developed a reputation of being a slut, passing along among women, being unreliable, etc. And I realize now that certain people who talked to me made sure that I knew this about him. After the season and this epic rafting trip, we all had a great couple months developing a group rapport... there was a house of roommates and the three of us that got mixed into the fold. I loved having people to hang out with like this, play silly drinking games, wander around town, celebrate birthdays. Unfortunately, Tony's girlfriend was young, more insecure than she seemed initially (she was beautiful and witty and fun,  I actually had a mild girl crush on her...) But she began to perceive me as a threat to her guy (at this time any attractive woman could have been considered a real threat, he had a wandering eye) but I wonder if he'd have actually cheated on her...?
I realize I was actually super attracted to this Tony person, but I had also helped instigate a spin-the-bottle game that was the beginning of him dating this girl in the group. This girl was my friend and I was on her team,  I told her as much and I meant it. I would have never participated in something to betray her.  Tony and I did have our spin-the-bottle kiss one night after others had gone to bed... which was sly but still due from the day it was earned a couple weeks prior. It was chemical when we started kissing, he pulled my hips toward him and I knew I had to leave immediately lest I participate in something I would greatly regret. I think he would have slept with me that night. And he shouldn't have wanted to. That made it bearable to shake it off, because I never wanted to date a man that would cheat on me.
I biked home that night, 7 miles, at close to 3 in the morning.
That should have been a clue that there was something there, but it's hard to trust your body when your brain is in conflict.

And so it sat for years. And then there was Manny. Who I loved with all my heart. And still love today, in spite of myself. (And probably always will.) And since he left almost a year and a half ago, I have had this patchwork game of dating and hoping, feeling despondent and taking a break, saying fuck it and trying again, getting onto Match.com for a month, trying MeetUps, saying fuck it and taking a break, getting back on Tinder... you get the picture. I had a guy enamor himself of me one night in Nashville and follow me home. Literally home. Across the country. The problem was he turned out to really just be a puppy, and I already have a dog. A really super awesome one:

Benny, Maupin up some sun spots.

And the strange part is I really have no desire to have any sort of relationship with him anymore, really actually do not want to hear from him at all. I feel like he misrepresented who he was and someone being a liar is not at all a fit for me. I value honesty, open communication and personal clarity to the highest. Know Thyself. Mother trucker.

I realize at the same time that I don't really know this "Tony" as well as I could, and whatever I'm holding in my mind at the moment is a big projection of my thoughts and feelings. But I loved these guys on this trip. I loved all of them in different ways. I loved Kevin's eccentricities, and we had a great conversation on the drive to the site. I loved his whole-hearted laugh and clear vibrant zest for life. He told me things about him trying to make his last five-year relationship work that deserve huge admiration. Any guy willing to go to couple's counseling for over a year, that is a devoted man. That is someone you want fighting for you. I loved Mike's quiet, sweet nature. I loved that he knew how to play Gin Rummy, and had brought cards. He had every candy I needed, Reese's s'mores, voilá, Reese's appeared. Red Vines came in handy as a tool the next day. He was a great listener. Shawn too. So quiet I kept trying to draw info out of him, requesting to know more of his life. I saw him in the hammock when we got back from rafting and immediately jumped in on top of him and joined the cocoon. He taught me how to throw a football and I realized I was actually pretty good. We all threw knives and hatchets at trees to try and make them stick. These guys made me feel accepted and honored and trusted. I had kaleidoscope eyes for the first time. I saw "Tony" in his element, I saw who he was beyond a story of a player, or someone who I didn't really trust from the get-go.

And when it was time to pack up camp and we scatted into three cars, I asked him if I could ride with him. He quickly agreed. I don't know if that pissed off his roommate that I had ridden up with, but I HAD to have a conversation with him that wasn't in front of his friends. In the car we weren't even fully out of the campsite before I looked over and told him I really wished he didn't have a girlfriend. He said, "I know." I told him I had been thinking about him all night and couldn't even fall asleep until after 3am. I wanted to crawl into his tent but knew that would be a bad idea.

We had subtly flirted but no more than could probably even be recognized by his three closest friends... I felt the chemical attraction to him again, only this time, it was as if a veil had been lifted off my eyes and I saw who he really was. Part of what kept me thrashing around in my tent for hours was the weed... my active swirling thoughts that wouldn't shut off, and the thought and realization that I was actually in love with this person. How had I never realized this before?

Back to the car-- I turned to Tony and told him that I liked him. A lot. I liked everything about him- his music, his style, his sense of humor, who he WAS. I asked all kinds of questions. Why had we never dated? Why was the timing off always, what the fuck!?
He chuckled a lot because I was so blunt I think I made him uncomfortable.
I told him I wanted to touch him so badly. I told him that he made my stomach hurt, in a good way. I asked him to hold my hand (friends can hold hands, right?) He was surprised at my request and got weird about it so I kind of pushed his half-ass offered hand back at him.

At some point his hand found its way to me again, and I brushed up against his arm. I would touch him in any platonic way I could, starving for his touch. His hand sat on my thigh and he squeezed it repetitiously, I grasped his wrist both preventing him from moving his hand anywhere neither of us could be able to resist this feeling anymore, and so I could hold onto him. I was literally drooling. I had to take deep breaths to keep my head from spinning.
I wondered aloud how compatible we were, and I said we'd either get along great, or fight. But if we fought, then we'd just fuck after, and it'd be amazing. I actually said that out loud. I don't know what mind I was in.
He did admit a few things, but I realize now that sometimes it's just a strong desire for sex and women can easily thread emotion into that.  I asked him if he liked me too, and he said he did. He said he also wanted to come to my tent but wasn't sure which tent was mine, and then the whole girlfriend thing. He said he wanted to grab my butt all weekend. I said he should have. But then I said it was good that he didn't. Our conversation went on like this. Teasing and imagining how great it would be if we could just cave in to this long awaited desire.

I haven't felt this way about anyone in a long time. I just don't even find most guys that attractive in the first place, and if there's chemical chemistry, it's on. Or at least it should be. And of course, just like 4 years ago, he's not unattached. Which is sort of a pattern with this guy. I don't think he stays single for very long. He's Tom Selleck in Magnum PI. He's soft spoken and doesn't need to be the center of attention, but can easily do something ridiculous like throw on a full body Sasquatch costume and come out in the dark to try and scare everyone after day drinking and eating drugs. He finds the coolest pieces of clothing at Goodwill. He knows how to have fun. He is the fun.

And tonight he told me simply, "I like the girl that I'm dating and it's just not good timing." She lives in LA. I don't think they've been dating for longer than a month. It's super disappointing. I felt a tiny pin-prick of my heart, and the subsequent deflation.
From what he said, it's hard not to hear she's better than me or prettier or more interesting...
but really it's just, I'm already invested in something. I want to see where it goes.
And I realize it's ethical of him to tell me this now, so that I don't hold onto hope that he changes his mind and realizes what's being presented right in front of him, already in Oregon, already in love with him... me.

Timing is fucking everything. And this is "what is true."