Texts and Facebook messages from Ugandans
are a challenge to decipher. At first I thought it was just typos, but it’s
typos, mixed with purposefully abbreviated shorthand, thanks to texting on old ABC keypad phones, as well as writing words as they audibly
might be written, (you know, that weird hieroglyphic-looking second word in a
dictionary that tries to sound things out for us special people that don’t know
how to pronounce words upon first reading them.) So that, mixed with the
tonal sound if you spoke with a particular british-cum-jamaican accent, then mix in a little Luganda, and some
other stuff that just doesn’t make any sense.
I find myself reading these
various Facebook messages or texts and I have to seriously sound them out like
a first-grader, or re-read it four times to be sure I completely understand the
meaning. For example, “dia” is “dear.” Work with that, people. And “dia” is just a sweet thing that anyone
may call you, even your boda driver if he thinks you’re special.
Speaking of boda drivers that think bazungu are special—I believe I went on an accidental boda date last Monday night after yoga; as I accidentally pocket-dialed one while walking home, then he insisted upon picking me up to drive me the remaining mile, re-routing us for the long, scenic route, and driving extra slow—talking the whole way, finally telling me how much he likes me, and that I'm different than the other white people he drives around in order to take their money. He called to check on me again yesterday....
But I digress.
Because cellphones are so expensive to use, Facebook messages are often applied as an alternative, since they can be accessed free through many plans. It's a more popular way to regularly communicate, rather than wasting thousands of shillings on millions of text messages or lengthy calls. You can tell how popular Facebook here by walking around my office at regular intervals throughout the day and seeing how many computers have a dark blue bar along the top of the screen...
Some
of my favorites so far, and (lil disclaimer) these are not from the same person:
(also, I think these count as brain puzzles for those of you trying to combat alzheimers)
"Ok its nice but I 've some simple qtn to ask (I 've got some different fillings dat I don't like to spend a day without seeing u, talking to u, shaking, laughing 'n almost everything is becoming hard on side, pse consider my fillings."
"its ok, the most pro" I had was only talking to you you know I have much wises and hope in you"
"Yes listen to what I fill 'n what I want. I will not even shave off my hair till u will say yes to my inner fillings" (very dramatic, I know)
"My dear tell me, will it be bad if I become yo friend in need and I also become yo friend indeed ?" (a bit of Dr. Suess never hurt anyone!)
"Plz yo quit i miss u, can u plz send mi yo contact holly swt."
"i cant blv am in club bt misin u 4 real and am nt ready 2 cal it lve while i hvnt knwn u deeply"
"Do u knw dat u calld me wen am tokin 2 de bodalist! Ad i cant blv u had 2 change yo mind bt y?
"Oky wareva u say am cool though i feel differ on u!"
"yap, may the angels of God carry you through this night and wake nicely with a smiling face."
"I will send for you a crooning bird in the morning to say to good morning in ma name.
kale nawe bwotyo" (quite poetic!)
(And here's a wonderful example of a cultural misunderstanding)
me: so what do you want to do on Saturday?
him: having u on my chest!
me: is that some freaky sex talk?
him: as in hw? am talking abt jst holding u! wasap with u?
me: hahaha cultural misunderstandings im supposed. good, bc I was about to cut you off! leaving the office, talk to ya in a bit...
him: r u eva narrow in yo skul like dat? bt wen wil u eva blv that i real hv acrush on u mis?
Oh dia. I don't know whether to be flattered or running for the virungas screaming...
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