Love Lost

I could be anywhere in the world right now, and I’d still be feeling and thinking the same thing. I just so happen to be in Kampala, Uganda.

What, pray tell, is occupying my mind?

A couple of things.

But mainly love.

That wonderfully complex emotion that isn’t even a tangible thing, and yet no one would dare deny its existence.

I, like many (or most) hope to fall in love, be in love and/or stay in love. I am super cynical and jaded of the reality of it happening, thanks to a handful of failed relationships that have left me gasping for air, and at the same time I'm relentlessly hopeful that it still will. So allow me to wax poetic a moment while also riddling this posting with links to songs about love. 

What I don’t understand is how men and women can be so completely different when inherently we want the same things: compassion, support, laughter, companionship, intimacy, etc. Sure, people care about those things at varying levels, and some might argue that they don’t want to be in relationships, but for the most part, I think people crave love.

Now, it’s always hard to be the one at the end of a relationship who has to hear that the other person has moved on faster, is dating (or marrying!) someone else, and is no longer hung up on the idea of getting back together, working things out, seeing what the future brings, etc, etc.  I just feel like for the past few years (gulp!) I always end up being that person. I’ve called myself a commitment fluffer. (I just get the guys ready for the next girl that comes after me, then they’re ready to be that committed boyfriend or husband I was hoping for all along.) If you don’t understand the reference of this terminology you are a better person than I.

And I’m not a relationship-dependent… I spend a significant amount of time alone attemptin to be an autonomous, complete person in spite of my relationship status. It really bothers me when friends consistently ditch out to be with their significant other, or can’t seem to stay single longer than a week.  I truly appreciate independent women that know how to be happy and don’t need to define themselves by being with another person (which is basically impossible anyway, by the way.) It just gets harder each year. And I am of the age where friends are starting to get married, (or have been married for years already,) have babies and settle into some sort of domestic “bliss.” The challenge for me is negotiating among the two sides of my personality that are constantly battling. I crave that sort of security and companionship in a person who fits me completely; I would love to be in love. (It’s seriously the best thing when it’s good… isn’t it!?) And at the same time, I cannot imagine feeling stuck, stationary and option-less in Small Town, USA. I still want to see many parts of the world. I still need to figure out who I truly am and what my purpose is.

But I crave love anyway.

So it’s hard to be that person that seems to be left behind in that regard. It takes me a long time to trust and fully let myself love someone, but once I do, its real and doesn’t seem to go away... um, like, ever. Too bad it has never yet been the case on the other end.

It may seem melodramatic, but I do often wonder if I am going to be a single woman forever, and have to learn to deal with that. Maybe it’s a cultural faux pas that makes me believe these things, maybe it’s my biological clock freaking the eff out. Who knows. But here I am, in Africa, feeling lonely and thinking these thoughts.

And the problem is, I don’t think I like cats enough to make that whole crazy cat lady thing work for me. Maybe I’ll create a zoo, then at least I can have a little more pet variety.

....

And because one of the beautiful things about blogs is that they are InTErAcTiVE… if any of you 15+ readers (or secretly more, this blog has 700 views since Feb!) have thoughts to add on this topic, I’m seriously grasping at straws here.  xo