I could be anywhere in the world right now, and I’d still be
feeling and thinking the same thing. I just so happen to be in Kampala, Uganda.
What, pray tell, is occupying my mind?
A couple of things.
But mainly love.
That wonderfully complex emotion that isn’t even a tangible
thing, and yet no one would dare deny its existence.
I, like many (or most) hope to fall in love, be in love
and/or stay in love. I am super cynical and jaded of the reality of it
happening, thanks to a handful of failed relationships that have left me
gasping for air, and at the same time I'm relentlessly hopeful that it still will. So allow me to wax poetic a moment while also riddling this posting with links to songs about love.
What I don’t understand is how men and women can be so
completely different when inherently we want the same things: compassion,
support, laughter, companionship, intimacy, etc. Sure, people care about those
things at varying levels, and some might argue that they don’t want to be in
relationships, but for the most part, I think people crave love.
Now, it’s always hard to be the one at the end of a
relationship who has to hear that the other person has moved on faster, is
dating (or marrying!) someone else, and is no longer hung up on the idea of
getting back together, working things out, seeing what the future brings, etc,
etc. I just feel like for the past
few years (gulp!) I always end up being that person. I’ve called myself a
commitment fluffer. (I just get the guys ready for the next girl that comes
after me, then they’re ready to be that committed boyfriend or husband I was hoping for
all along.) If you don’t understand the reference of this terminology you are a
better person than I.
And I’m not a relationship-dependent… I spend a significant
amount of time alone attemptin to be an autonomous, complete person in spite of my
relationship status. It really bothers me when friends consistently ditch out
to be with their significant other, or can’t seem to stay single longer than a week. I truly appreciate independent women
that know how to be happy and don’t need to define themselves by being with another person (which
is basically impossible anyway, by the way.) It just gets harder each year. And
I am of the age where friends are starting to get married, (or have been married
for years already,) have babies and settle into some sort of domestic “bliss.”
The challenge for me is negotiating among the two sides of my personality that are constantly battling. I crave that sort of security and companionship in a
person who fits me completely; I would love to be in love. (It’s seriously the
best thing when it’s good… isn’t it!?) And at the same time, I cannot imagine feeling
stuck, stationary and option-less in Small Town, USA. I still want to see many
parts of the world. I still need to figure out who I truly am and what my
purpose is.
But I crave love anyway.
So it’s hard to be that person that seems to be left behind
in that regard. It takes me a long time to trust and fully let myself love
someone, but once I do, its real and doesn’t seem to go away... um, like, ever. Too bad it has
never yet been the case on the other end.
It may seem melodramatic, but I do often wonder if I am
going to be a single woman forever, and have to learn to deal with that. Maybe
it’s a cultural faux pas that makes me believe these things, maybe it’s my
biological clock freaking the eff out. Who knows. But here I am, in Africa,
feeling lonely and thinking these thoughts.
And the problem is, I don’t think I like cats enough to make
that whole crazy cat lady thing work for me. Maybe I’ll create a zoo, then at
least I can have a little more pet variety.
....
And because one of the beautiful things about blogs is that
they are InTErAcTiVE… if any of you 15+ readers (or secretly more, this blog has 700 views since Feb!) have thoughts to add
on this topic, I’m seriously grasping at straws here. xo
Dear sweet Holly! I know you're pain and background about love well, but I want to remind you that you are indeed still YOUNG!!! When you least expect that wonderful emotion to overwhelm you is exactly when it will strike. I have faith that you will not be the "cat lady" and that you're someone else is just around the corner.
ReplyDeleteLove you lots, all the on the other side of the world...
Aunt Lorie