I haven’t been blogging much lately I don’t feel I
have anything interesting to communicate. That, or I find it difficult to get
it from my brain to page. And then there's the laziness. It's so much more fun to watch a movie or eat chocolate. I also
know that my friends who bear with me and actually read this thing are really
more interested in the pictures of the random things I’ve somehow still managed
to get myself into, like camel rides and dog shows at travel fairs, and
terror-stricken expressions of flipping rafts in class 5 rapids in the Nile.
And if I’m planning on being all “self-reflective and shit” maybe it’s just a
bit too inward for everyone else out there.
But oh well! As I said long ago, it’s my blog. And I do what I want. (Winky emoticon) ;)
I am sitting here translating this complex technical manual
about solar lighting from English into Spanish (for a pretty penny, if I do say
so myself!) and while taking a minute from typing in this incredibly awkward
position on my stomach in bed, I let my head fall face first into the pillow to
relax my strained neck for a moment. My hair encircled my face, and the smell
of fresh shampoo engulfed me (fresh smelling anything a pretty big commodity
here) and a sudden though occurred to me.
I am going home in 23 days. I will be around people who
bathe regularly and actually smell nice when you sit near them and hug them.
When I left, there was someone I cared about a lot—whose pheromones or whatever
worked for me—and that smell took me there for a moment (he was a fan of
personal hygiene, unlike many men here).
Anyway, I realized I am going home and there is finally a
much greater possibility of assembling some sort of understandable life there.
As of right now I am in the process of negotiating a proposal with my job here
to try and be predominantly based from the US. Very likely it will be a
part-time position, which I can pair with my Mary Kay business and afford the
flexibility, income and freedom from the 9-5 life that has never sat well with
me. At the same time, I don’t want to be a starving artist. I want to be happy
and will choose love and relationships, and fun over a regimented steady income
anyday. But I also realize that money affords opportunities, and I am not one
to sit on the sidelines with opportunities out there to be had! It’s pretty
hard to travel the world with no money… that or I’m just not clever enough to
figure it out.
But for now, I am going home.
I will be able to have a regular exercise routine, and run
outside without choking on diesel fumes. I can start doing yoga again, playing
soccer, going hiking and camping with my dog, eating mixed green salads and
going to live music and happy hour with friends. I can drive to a store and get
pretty much everything I need in one go. I can deal with broken appliances,
customer service, bill payment, bank withdrawals, etc without it turning into
an entire day activity, or not even working at all.
But more so, what occurred to me, is that this is exactly
where I hoped I would get myself. Into a position of negotiating the ideal job
for me. Into a position of being able to fully take care of myself financially,
satisfy my wanderlust, and continue working toward getting myself to
Brazil…ahhhh just 2 years to go. The power of positive thought and focused
action in the direction of one’s desires really can materialize what you dream.
It sounds so cheesy, but it’s eerily true.
The tricky part is figuring out what specifically you want,
then summoning the grace and patience to allow the journey to get you there.
And it will do so in ways that very often don’t make any sense. There will be
significant detours, dead ends and the occasional u-turn during this journey.
I see a window. It’s not the catch-all, end-all, and I know
that I still don’t have all (or even many) of the answers… but there is hope.
When I first arrived here I hoped to become more
self-sufficient I wanted to be able to sit quietly with myself and feel
completely secure in that strange loneliness. I think I have learned what it
feels like to be so far out of your comfort zone, you stop trying to make yourself
comfortable. You succumb to the frustration, the solitude, the confusion—and
literally go with the flow. In that moment that you stop fighting against the
current, and begin to float along with the tide, something shifts. Even if you
don’t know where this strange waterway will deposit you, ceasing to struggle
causes you to enjoy the temperature of the tide, the passing scenery along the
banks, the occasional fish you bump into with your toe or the bubbles that
tickle your skin. You’re no longer choking on water, scared of an alligator
eating you or contracting bilharzia. (See? Been here too long already)
I’ve been in Africa for over 5 months… and as of now I know
this place, this crazy dirty crowded and isolating city of Kampala, now and in
this form, is not for me.
But I’ve seen big game on safari in an ancient volcanic
crater, river rafted down the Nile, played soccer with rough 20-year old
African boys shouting Luganda at each other, played as the weird muzungu in a college tournament, ridden a bike all over the
city to the aghast expressions of locals, and worked my ass off at a job that
paid me shit and made me come in almost every Saturday in the past 5 months.
And out of it all, I’ve seen myself in a different light. And I know I will see
my life that I return to in a different light as well. It will eventually
become familiar once again, and I will start to get annoyed at the little
American grievances that right now seem like a pleasure in comparison. I will
probably get depressed at the shitty Oregon rain, Benny will run away and piss
me off, I will stub my toe or roll my ankle in soccer, find a new dent on my
car door in the parking lot and get overcharged for some toiletries in Target,
then be pissed I have to drive all the way back there just to sort out this
damn $5 but I have to because it’s the freakin principle of the thing—why can’t
people just do their jobs! But until then, I will try to take a moment to be
proud of what I’ve accomplished in my 28 years, and take a rare
self-congratulatory moment, and try to appreciate the good.
I want to learn to think more about what I want in life and
pull that abundance to me, then find patience when it seems like things are
still harder than they should be. I want to continue to learn to trust the
process, savor the present and enjoy the ride.
Lovely and inspiring post, Holly! And the next one too--are you bringing that little guy home with you?
ReplyDeleteThanks Nikki! I'm not bringing the pup back--she's too young and little to fly in Cargo and Emirates won't allow any other way. But she has integrated already into our compound's family. Two other dogs, owned by expats from the UK, and their house caretaker who loves dogs and is always there. Indy is already sleeping in her son's room and the kids love her :)
ReplyDelete